Tags
anger, anxiety, child abuse, crazy mother, denial, dissociation, healing, PTSD, recovery, repressed memories, sexual abuse, sexual assault, Therapy, transference
- The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they’re okay, then it’s you. – Rita Mae Brown
- So I have been out and about in the blogosphere, roaming to and fro like ole Splitfoot, not seeking one to devour just seeking some inspiration and I found it, ’cause the universal law says “I gets what I wants”.
- Please be patient as I have been enjoying several glasses of Barefoot Zinfandel and I am feeling rather uninhibited. My relationship with wine is taking on the same tone as Captain Jack Sparrow’s relationship with rum…we all know how that turned out 🙂
- Ok dearies no worries, I am very functional and I don’t touch a drop before 6:00pm eastern time 🙂 (oh by the way, for those that are fond of Shiraz and sweets, I must recommend Layer Cake Shiraz 2008 Australia, and Jam Jar Sweet Shiraz 2009 South Africa, DEElectable!)
- Now back to inspiration, I recently dropped by Kerro’s Korner and she had a post on the benefits of falling apart/having a breakdown. Her list was just perfect in the way it juxtaposed all of the lovely strengths that are growing out of the shit of her experiences. Powerful stuff and VERY encouraging! Check it out…
- So it got me thinking about my own list and I am not one for reinventing the ark, Kerro really had it all sewn up for me but I will scratch up a few things. As you all know I have been trying to convince Dr. K and everyone that pops by this blog that I am in the throes of a nervous breakdown. But I am not, I am functioning too well to be having a breakdown. What has broken down are my old coping mechanisms, a lot of my dissociation, my walls, the old lies and tapes that played endlessly in the background. So there has been a Breakdown, just not one that the DSM-IV TR would recognize. Enough blather, here is what came of it:
- I have a resurgence of confidence in myself, I will admit that it is erratic yet it is here. I feel like I can make it, by any means necessary and that I know what is best for me.
- Creativity has returned. The horrible eternal critic that resides in the tenderest part of my soul would like me to hang it up but I have little fledgling bits of prose that waft up through the atmosphere just begging to be set on paper. Now all of you must suffer through the drivel but it really gives me comfort to follow through and post it. All of the most recent poems can be found to your right under “About me and stuff”.
- Anger is accessible and expressible. Some of you might not agree with this but I believe I have been stuffing, and shucking, and jiving soooo looong, it is probably healthy for me to get mad and utter a dark curse now and again.
- I am listening to myself and now I don’t feel horrible if I go take a nap or refuse to cook or curl up and read a book. Guess what? I have needs dammit!
- I have let go of (or am preparing to let go of) a lot of people. However, I have endeavored to let some people in too and that is very liberating. I am just being myself and I really like that.I am trying to gain the confidence that I am perfectly acceptable the way I am and I don’t have to be a shoddy reflection of whoever I am interacting with. Sort of like the Greek myth about poor Echo, who could not speak for herself and was cursed to repeat whatever anyone else said.
Also R.G. Maines over at Chirpings from the Nest started writing letters of closure to address a really traumatic family rupture that took place a decade ago. I have kicked around the idea of letters and hope to get around to it soon. R.G did a masterful job of it and it really inspired me to try it for myself.
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Another recent inspiration was an old friend reappearing via Facebook. I met Eve in Junior High School. I have fleeting memories of her back then. Unfortunately most of the years from ages 11-13 are completely inaccessible, I don’t remember much of anything.
She remembered plenty (in spite of her “chemo brain”). The first night we met for dinner I was impressed and distressed by her recall. Of course she didn’t have any negative memories of me (my worst paranoid fear). All these years she wondered if I became a writer. I guess in passing one day she told me I was a good writer and I should write a book. She said the next week I handed over several chapters of a book. She does not remember what it was about, only that it was a page turner and she was very disappointed that I never finished the story. I have absolutely NO memory of this whatsoever but it was very fascinating to see my former self through her eyes.
I was very uncomfortable that evening, she just seemed so put together, impossibly confident, ridiculously gorgeous, eyes and teeth flashing as she laughed and ate. I was captivated by her story of suffering and endurance. Her battles with colon and lung cancer, and then tragically, during her first year cancer free, her mother’s diagnosis of an inoperable, fatal cancer. The roles reversed and she nursed her mother to her eventual deathbed. I am a suffering connoisseur, I have the greatest respect for and affinity with people who survive horrible situations. I felt a kinship and a sense that reestablishing this would be a good choice for me. I left looking forward to our next get together.
Our next get together was at her place. We ordered takeout and I brought along my signature upside-down cake and two bottles of wine (Jam Jar & Layer Cake). We laughed, and talked about race, relationships, childhood, food, everything.
It was glorious for two reasons, Eve is a jewel and a dynamo and it is no wonder she has a glittering social network spun about her because she is as wise and industrious as a spider. The other reason is that I was just myself, good, bad, and indifferent. I did not hesitate, edit, or censor myself in the least. I was relieved and I left feeling invigorated. We are very similar and very different. The attribute I most want to draw from her and assimilate into myself is her commitment to live fully and let go of things that will cause unneccessary stress and unhappiness in her life. Hopefully I have something good for her as well.
In closing mes amis, please let yourselves be inspired or as Kierkegaard so wisely put it;
“It is very dangerous to go into eternity with possibilities which one has oneself prevented from becoming realities. A possibility is a hint from God. One must follow it.”
Sören Kierkegaard, 1813-1855