Tags
abandonment, anger, blog-neglect, child abuse, compassion, D.S.S, DCF, denial, disappointment, Erykah Badu, family, foster care, goals, homelessness, hope, introspection, middle age, mindfulness, parenting, Poetry, PTSD, tears, teen pregnancy, Therapy, transference, Window Seat
Hmmmm, I just realized I am avoiding blogging and I really don’t know why.
I haven’t taken any Trazadone and yet I still feel like I have nothing to say.
Loads of things have happened that would have made great posts and yet I kept them to myself and now doubt I could do them justice. I have no idea what has gotten into me and I don’t like it.
The most important thing that happened is the 51A form that was filed against us came back “unsupported” which means the allegations were found to be unreliable and we were innocent within a reasonable doubt I guess.
Maybe it is just me but mounting a counter-case against someone that you called your daughter, hugged, kissed, and brushed away tears from is just an awful experience. Pulling together evidence to prove someone is mentally ill, mendacious, and peculiar after you fought for the person to be viewed as unique, traumatized, and misunderstood is soul-scorching work and I still have not processed it all.
I have bricked off the portion of my heart that was apportioned as her mommy’s heart. I did not kill it off, but I refuse to keep functioning with it, and so it stands alone and inaccessible until I can figure out how I feel. I am still not angry with her. I am no longer her friend on any social networks, and neither are my children. I crave information about how she is doing but I ignore these urges as a dutiful recovering addict would. I have yet to delete her photos from my iPod or Facebook account….It is the worst type of foster care purgatory imaginable.
Dr. K was really beside himself about this whole ordeal, he really tried his best to get me to access some anger but there wasn’t any. He is really pulling for me to not do foster care anymore. I don’t care to do it anymore, even though it made me feel good to love a child back to wholeness it came at a great cost to my as an individual and to my birth children.
I can finally admit the cost was too high even though internally that tells me I cannot blame any of the adults that were in my life for not rescuing me thereby making me a neglectful asshole just like them. I am willing to view myself as a neglectful asshole in exchange for finding myself.
I love college, I love learning, I love defining myself and establishing my own world view. I love going to the gym and especially doing yoga. I love feeling my body accomplish something strenuous and seeing the results. I love analysis, I love Dr. K, I love this amazing journey of excavation/renovation/restoration that we are on, I love my self-awareness that allows me to speak freely during therapy enabling me to address my fears, hopes, memories, transference, I love this improbable relationship that has developed that allows us to do normal healing work or plan my educational path for my career, a place where I can cry freely and so can Dr. K! (must blog about that eventually) I love writing, I love standing in front of people in a crowded, buzzing lounge and reciting my verses, verses that come from my very core. I love walking back to my my seat as they clap or nod and feeling HEARD, feeling UNDERSTOOD. I love working with the young ladies and their children at the Teen Living Program. I love advising them, hugging them, correcting them, listening to them, hearing them, understanding them, watching them, holding their babies, I love my children and I am excited about clearing the runway for their launch, I love my husband, I love dreaming about our new chapter as the nest empties…………………….
I love me, whats left of me that survived my attempt at annihilation. I am reclaiming myself one course, one session, one sentence, one asana, one theory, one post, one conversation, one confession, one goal at a time….
Today I took 6 ladies ages 14-20 and their 5 children ages 2 months- 5 years to a Church picnic thrown in their honor. The Church set up arts and crafts. One table had beads for making bracelets or necklaces and such. I made a bracelet that says “mindfulness”. I need to remember the purpose of my journey at all times, I am headed somewhere regardless of what the circumstances around me seem to indicate. I do have hope even though I am often awash in anxiety and worry. I really think I see the brass ring on the horizon, my brass ring. I think I might be able to make it if I don’t get too tuckered out.
Window Seat
Erykah Badu
so, presently I’m standing
here right now
you’re so demanding
tell me what you want from me
concluding
concentrating on my music, lover and my babies
makes me wanna ask the lady for a ticket outta town…
so can I get a window seat
don’t want nobody next to me
I just want a ticket outta town
a look around
and a safe touch down
can I get a window seat
don’t want nobody next to me
I just want a chance to fly
a chance to cry
and a long bye bye..
but I need you to want me
I need you to miss me
I need your attention, yes
I need you next me
I need someone to clap for me
I need your direction
somebody say come back
come back baby come back
I want you to need me
come back come back baby come back
come back come back baby come back
come back come back baby come back
so, in my mind I’m tusslin’
back and forth ‘tween here and hustlin’
I don’t wanna time travel no mo
I wanna be here
I’m thinking
on this porch I’m rockin’
back and forth light lightning hopkins
if anybody speak to scotty
tell him beam me up..
so can I get a window seat
don’t want nobody next to me
I just want a ticket outta town
a look around
and a safe touch down
can I get a window seat
don’t want nobody next to me
I just want a chance to fly
a chance to cry
and a long bye bye..
but I need you to miss me
I need somebody come get me
I need your attention
I need your energy
I need someone to clap me
I need your direction
somebody say come back
come back baby come back
come back come back baby come back
come back come back baby come back
come back come back baby come back
but can I get a window seat
don’t want nobody next to me
I just want a ticket outta town
a look around
and a safe touch down…
I just wanna chance to fly
a chance to cry
and a long bye bye…
[Erykah Badu – Commentator]
They play it safe, and are quick to assassinate, what they do not understand, they move in packs, ingesting more and more fear in every act of fear on one another, they feel most comfortable in groups, less guilt to swallow, they are us, this is what we have become, afraid to respect the individual. A single person with inner circumstance can move one to change to love our-self and evolve.